he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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