I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
