Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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