this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
