I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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