Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize