Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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