I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
True college students do jello shots in the library
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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