I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
