pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
