I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I need to wash the frat house off of me
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
