did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
