The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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