Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
