so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
