I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
