she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
