I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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