I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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