I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize