Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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