Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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