She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize