i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
