My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
