yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he shaved USA in his pubs
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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