1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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