Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
