i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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