nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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