Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
so much tequila, so little girl.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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