You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
