Where is the hickey?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Michael Bay diarrhea
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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