Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Bring me that man meat
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
