Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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