He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
