Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
