for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
