and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
