Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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