Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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