Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
