You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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