I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
