you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
