A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
