I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
