I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
