You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
