I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
