i think my tv is drunk
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize