I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
