There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
