god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
