By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
